Al Kyte's Life Take-Aways

When did I become a man?  Manhood is something I never sought.  Yet I remember as a boy being surprised by how eager some of my friends were to ”become a man”.  I think I was always content with wherever I was in life.  And I don’t recall my dad ever giving me advice on becoming a man.  For the most part he taught by example.  He was big, strong and highly respected.  He taught, counseled and coached two generations of high school students over four decades.  Wherever we went in Oakland, people greeted him warmly and often told us how he had touched their lives.  He set the bar for manhood very high.

As a young man in my 20s, after college and three years of military experience, I still hadn’t given much thought to having reached manhood.  Then one day I did.  As a graduate student at the University of California, I went into a post office to purchase stamps for mailing questionnaires and told the post office attendant what I needed.  He looked at my name and asked if I was related to the Al Kyte at Oakland Tech High School.  Accustomed to hearing that question, I said,  “Yes sir.  He is my father.”  I had expected another glowing account of my dad’s impact, but that man said nothing more.  Perhaps his experience with my dad had not been a pleasant one.  

When almost completed, our transaction was interrupted by another postal worker needing my attendant’s help with something.  So my attendant went away for a moment and when he returned looked quickly at his paperwork and informed me that I owed $8.00.  “No, sir.” I said,  “I believe you have misplaced the decimal.  I owe you $80.00.”  Back then, that was a lot of money to me.  He looked again at his paperwork and said, “That’s right.”  Then he looked me square in the eye and added, “Well, that figures.”  Apparently honesty is what he would have expected from the son of the Al Kyte he had known.  Somehow I recognized that as being a defining moment in which I had lived up to my parents’ expectations. 

On that day, it became clear to me that manhood in our family was not about being big, well-liked, or macho. It was all about character—integrity, responsibility, humility, compassion—traits to keep aspiring to throughout life. And although my dad set the example, my mom and some other people reinforced and added to those traits. I believe that what we do in life and particularly how we do it flows outward from who we are becoming. I have mentored men in recovery who have never had even one responsible adult to help guide their growth and choices. I’ve been extremely fortunate.